Karin Whittaker noticed there was a vital ingredient missing from her life.
It was about a year ago, while she was on a break from her relationship with her boyfriend, her daughter was traveling overseas and she was on a sabbatical from her job teaching three to five-year-olds at an early learning centre in Richmond.
Whittaker just wasn’t feeling her usual, bouncy self and it was only when she started taking a long, hard look at her circumstances that her dawn of realization broke.
“My life spark was diminishing…and when I connected the dots, I realized there was a void; I was in a hug-free, massage-free desert,” said Whittaker.
“I started asking friends to give me a hug; asking them to hold me and I noticed then that my bounce was returning.”
Shortly afterward, one of Whittaker’s friends told her about these cuddle parties she saw on the TV news.
Her interest piqued, Whittaker looked online to see if there were any cuddle parties happening close by.
There had been some in Vancouver, but its facilitator was on a hiatus and the nearest one was in Victoria.
“I went to Victoria and I was so elated by the experience that when I came back home I set up three trial parties with friends to see how it went,” said Whittaker.
“I realized then I was on the right track.”
By the fall of last year, Whittaker had taken the next step and had begun a six-week program en route to becoming an official Cuddle Party facilitator.
And — after nine, three-hour Skype sessions with her trainer; six weekly, section readings and assignments; attainment of a First Aid certificate and two practicum Cuddle Party events — she became Cuddle Party “facilitator #89.”
She started off hosting parties once a month at her Richmond apartment. It’s now so popular, she’s running them almost every weekend.
“I’m a certified facilitator but I run cuddle parties my own way,” said Whittaker from her apartment on Minoru Boulevard.
“I follow the Cuddle Party rules and include the workshop and it’s all by donation.”
What happens at a Richmond Cuddle Party?
“The most important aspect that’s getting missed (by the media) is the workshop,” said Whittaker.
“The workshop creates the safety and interaction between the participants; sets the guidelines and boundaries and usually lasts for about an hour and starts off with a ‘welcome circle.’
“The workshop ends with a series of fun and playful exercises, where participants practice saying ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to each other’s requests.
“Then it’s freestyle cuddle time and social time with some music on; regular cuddlers will already be cuddling; some will be on the couch talking; some will be holding someone’s hand.
“Many can go through whole parties not cuddling at all and that’s perfectly fine, there’s no rule that says you have to cuddle.”
Asked to explain “freestyle cuddle time,” Whittaker rattled off a shopping list of potential snuggles, including: Shoulder rubs; sitting huggles (crouched side-by-side but facing opposite directions); spooning; spoon trains (as per spooning, but with multiple bodies lined up); puppy pile (imagine a pile of puppies clambering around each other).
One particular cuddle, peculiar to Whittaker’s parties, was dreamed up by one of her regulars.
Called “Uta’s fantasy,” after its maker, this one features groups of four or five people cuddling, touching, stroking or massaging one lucky person, who’s given “blanket consent” to the others to go ahead.
“It’s like Christmas, you just close your eyes and you receive all these gifts from friends at the one time,” explained Whittaker, who got emotional while describing the feeling.
“You drift into like an altered state. It’s all so calming and relaxing and is very special. It brings out the best in us.”
Freestyle cuddle time usually lasts for about two hours, before gradually winding down with another circle gathering, where everyone can express, if they wish, how they’re feeling.
Who goes to a Cuddle Party?
Many are single and simply have no affection in their lives. Most are middle-aged single people, both men and women.
The most people Whittaker has had at a party is 18, the average is about 15, she said.
“There’s a core group of about half the party that usually that come to every event,” she said.
“We have women only parties as well. We have all sorts of people from all sorts of backgrounds; from unemployed to company CEOs.”
Whittaker said she’s only ever had to escort one person out of a party for inappropriate behaviour and she’s had to ban a few people before they’d even got to the event because they’d clearly gotten the wrong message of what a Cuddle Party was about.
“There is also safety in numbers at the event, so people needn’t be concerned,” she said.
Sue McDonald, a single, 42-year-old Richmond mom of two teenage boys, is one such person who regularly attends Whittaker’s parties.
McDonald was actually online looking for a poker party when she stumbled across the thread for Whittaker’s event.
“Everyone that had been before was saying ‘I’m single and don’t get enough touching,’ but it wasn’t like that for me, I was getting what I wanted from other relationships,” said McDonald, an executive assistant who used to play rugby and softball before getting injured last year, affording her more spare time.
January was her first Cuddle Party and she’s been going every week since and has even hosted her own, unofficial party at home with seven people she befriended from Whittaker’s party.
“After my first party, I wasn’t sure how I felt; it was a lot to process,” said McDonald.
“But I was feeling pretty good and I was sure I was doing the right thing.”
There are lots of people with touch issues at the parties and McDonald said she gets a “rush out of empowering them” to get over that.
“It’s a similar rush from coaching sports; when a player does something on the field that you’ve taught them.”
Roslin Lintott, a close friend of Whittaker, has been attending the parties from the very beginning.
“I was one of the participants at her first party, there were three of us,” said Lintott, 48, a cleaner.
“I had gone through a divorce and then a rough break-up. For me, it was therapy. It was about the feeling of being cared for without the pressure.
“I’ve also gone to a cuddle party and not cuddled anyone; I’ve just sat there in the peace of the moment. The whole room is filled with an aura.”
Lintott goes back to the parties once a month or so, just when she needs “some of that therapy.”
“I love the companionship and like meeting new people and I sometimes need a cuddle, because I’m not in a full-time relationship right now.”
It’s weird, right?
“When I’m holding someone in my arms and they’re quietly weeping because it’s the first time in three years they’ve been held — I know then I’m doing the right thing,” said Whittaker, when asked how to respond to the “weird” tag for her parties.
“It’s not for everyone, I understand that. But it’s one of the most natural things in the world and is very uplifting.”
Unlike some professional cuddling services across the country, parties such as Whittaker’s are by donation. You can sign up for one of her parties at meetup.com/cuddlepartykarins or go to www.cuddleparty.com/vancouver
Cuddly facts:
Cuddle Party is a federally recognized, non-profit educational organization, according to its website. Its board of directors trains and certifies new Cuddle Party facilitators.
Cuddle Party was the brainchild in 2004 of two relationship coaches in the U.S., Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski.
What are the rules?
There are 11 Cuddle Party rules; the main one being that your PJs must stay on the whole time!
You don’t have to cuddle anyone at the party if you don’t want but you MUST get permission to cuddle with a verbal ‘yes.’
Why bother cuddling at all?
According to research, there are a number of significant health benefits to a daily snuggle with your partner or even strangers.
Here a few of the highlights:
1. Research out of the University of Toronto claims those who make cuddling a mandatory ending to sex, report "higher levels of satisfaction with their sex lives" because it reaffirms the bond.
2. All that cuddling releases oxytocin, which is basically your "good time" hormone.
3. The oxytocin released during cuddling can actually ease pain in individuals.
4. Oxytocin can also strengthen a person’s immune system.
5. Research has shown that infants who are recipients in a “volunteer cuddlers” program in hospitals have faster weight gain, shorter hospital stays and improved social, emotional and physical development.
