It's a common tale of strength and perseverance, further perpetuated by the movies and TV shows: A longstanding marriage ends after the man chooses to leave for one reason or another, leaving the woman alone. She is victimized by divorce, having to pick up the pieces of a failed marriage. But she overcomes it in the end, justice is restored, she's better off.
But what if this isn't your story?
For Richmond resident Lisa Thompson, she was the one who chose to leave an 18-year marriage, ostensibly for no good reason.
"It seemed like I was living a fairly charmed life with my husband," she said. "We had a nice house, a nice car, beautiful children, we were able to take a vacation once a year. But there was no intimacy, some simple things were missing.
"I had to learn to accept that when those basic needs aren't being met, all those material things don't make up for it. There are moments when it hits you, what am I doing here? There's no love here."
To document her experiences and help others going through the same thing, Thompson wrote and published her book, The Great Escape: A Girl's Guide to Leaving a Marriage.
It has since been republished by Promontory Press.
As the economically dependent spouse who was married at 22, she had a lot to learn from balancing the budget to navigating through the legal system.
She soon realized that although there was a plethora of legal advice books, few were told from a first-person point of view, from someone who had been through the process.
She also soon discovered the gender stereotypes that often accompany a woman choosing to leave her marriage without traumatic reason such as an abusive or unfaithful husband, or one who squandered money.
"We have this social awareness of women being the victims, and I wasn't," said Thompson. "So I found that people weren't as sympathetic towards me. I wanted to fill this book with real, personal stories of the hurt and pain. It's to help other people who feel trapped in their situation realize they're not alone and they can get out."
Thompson likens her book to reading a friend's diary with how-to guidelines and lists of further resources at the end of each chapter.
She spends sections on navigating the legal system, budgeting and shared parenting.
"You have to give yourself permission to be unhappy," said Thompson. "You need to face up to it and say it's okay to
end a marriage, and you have to be proud of that decision."
But making the decision was only half the battle.
It wasn't long before the divorce proceedings became acrimonious and drawn-out with her husband's attempts to pay less child support and taking her to Alberta Court of Appeal.
"I even include a copy of a legal bill in the book," she said. "I've probably spent over $100,000 in legal bills. I had to represent myself in appeals court. It's difficult for people who are in the middle of the road, economically. You don't get breaks or free legal advice, but you also can't afford to spend money on these bills."
Today, Thompson currently resides in B.C., where she grew up, after leaving Edmonton in 2009 - shortly before her husband decided to appeal the case.
Her two children, now in their late teens, visit her monthly.
After an unexpected adjustment period with her kids, which she discusses in depth in the book, their relationships have improved.
"It worked out in the long run," said Thompson. "But moving away was the second hardest decision I had to make. In hindsight, I probably wouldn't have left so soon after.
"However, being in Edmonton, I felt so isolated. My friends and family are all here."
The book has received positive feedback, with Thompson's matrimonial lawyer buying 30 copies to distribute to his clients.
She assumed an optimistic point of view throughout the writings to highlight the good things that came about from her divorce.
"I learned how to take care of myself, I began to meet new people and learned more about money," she said.
"I event went back to school to take some courses. Boundaries began to open up and it pushed me to be more independent. It opened new doors."
Among other places, Thompson's guidebook can be found at Ladner Black Bond Books and Tanglewood Books in Vancouver. For more information, or to purchase her book online, visit www. lisathompsonlive.com.
THE BENEFITS OF DIVORCE
(Courtesy of www.lisathompsonlive.com)
There is a lot of criticism regarding the kids and how hard it is for them.
Yes, it is a challenge, but it isn't the end of the world for children. Here are five ways children can benefit from divorce:
- They have a better one-on-one relationship with their parents.
- They learn to be adaptable and become stronger adults.
- They meet new people and have new experiences.
- They develop empathy for others due to their own challenges.
- They have a chance to observe love.
When a marriage ends, our dream of true love and "forever after" dies. On the flip side, we give birth to new dreams. Here's five ways you can benefit from divorce:
- Removing yourself from abusive and controlling behaviors will set you free to re-discover your spirit.
- You give yourself a chance at finding true love.
- You meet new people you never would have inside your marital boundaries.
- You discover new hobbies and even may begin a new career.
- You become self-reliant and this is key to growing older with dignity.
TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL SHARED PARENTING
- I recommend Fridays for your trade day, as you start your time with the kids on a positive note with the weekend ahead and lots of time to prep for the upcoming week of school. But, a friend of mine has Monday as the trade day and it works great for them.
- Do not choose Sunday as your trade day, simply because you get them back with dirty laundry and homework that needs to be done and possibly at too late an hour to deal with for Monday morning.
- Try your best to communicate directly with the other parent and refrain from sending messages through the children. If the telephone is too emotional, try emails.
- Set a time and day on a weekly basis, where you both agree to communicate (maybe 15 minutes) about the kids, so you can both be attuned to events, homework, problems or requests the kids have.
- Try to agree on issues before telling the kids about plans, gifts, trips, holidays, etc. Getting the other parent's consent before announcing things to the kids is the most civilized and fair way to handle ongoing issues.
- Try your best to stick to schedules.
- Keep photos of the other parent in your children's rooms. It provides a source of comfort for the children while away from the other home.
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