Spending time with an elderly loved one can engender feelings of dread and boredom or fun and laughter.
Most caregivers fall somewhere in the middle. They go to visit, put in their time and make the best of it.
(Please note: this article is not dealing with someone with dementia.)
If you visit regularly, in a nursing home or home, this information is intended to help you create a better or more meaningful time together.
I have spent many years visiting my elderly parents (one in a nursing home) and other loved ones, and have discovered some things that might be helpful.
Let's first consider the case of Mrs. Eileen Davidson (not her real name).
She is getting ready for her daily visit to the nursing home where her mother of 96 has resided for the past five and a half years.
She, like thousands of other women and men who visit regularly, have learned a lot the hard way.
Davidson is the only daughter still living and she herself is 75.
"It all depends on how you look at things," she would say. "I only feel 45."
That was a good indication that she had lots of living left to do, as well as the right attitude, energy and spirit.
So many caregivers feel more like 105.
Davidson had discovered some important secrets to enjoying time with her mother and this is what she wants to tell you.
Visiting, like any other important event, takes preparation, planning, creativity and imagination.
Often family members and friends get into a deadly routine when visiting their loved ones.
Making even one change in your daily or weekly visits can really make your visits more satisfying for everyone.
Here are the main things she learned:
- Planning:
When planning your visits, decide mutually if possible, what days are best. Also, what time of day is best.
Timing is very important. Waiting for a visit can seem endless for an elderly person. So it's important to be on time.
Some older people tire easily and their health and mood can vary. For many people their work lives dictate when they visit.
Try to work around rest times, special events and favorite television programs.
- Regularity, Frequency and Duration:
Davidson says this may be a new one for many caregivers.
En route, prepare yourself for the particular mood your elderly parent or spouse may be in. They may be having a good day or a bad day.
If you prepare yourself for the possibility of a "bad one," your chances of having a good visit will be greater.
Get yourself into the right frame of mind by thinking nice thoughts, remembering some kindnesses your parents did for you, looking at fresh spring blossoms on the trees, thinking of something humorous or taking an alternative route can help to set a pleasant tone.
And when you get there, you may be able to open a conversation with something like, "a funny thing happened to me on the way to."
-Meal times:
-Meal times: For some, meal times are an excellent time to visit, particularly if your relative or friend needs help while eating.
In a nursing home or other residence meal times may not be a good time, as this may be a time they spend with others.
Or it may be a great time to help make a meal and then enjoy it together.
- Weekends:
For those living in a nursing home, weekends can be an especially good time to visit as often there are fewer activities and fewer staff.
For other situations weekdays or evenings may work best.
Visiting takes a lot of energy. It's better not to visit when you're tired.
In the next column Davidson will share more secrets for you to consider in creating the best possible time together.
Until then, make a change or two in your routine and see if you and your loved one feel any better.
Jan Gazley RN, BScN owns and operates One to One Home Health, providing health care management. Contact Jan at onetoonehomehealth.ca or 6047866165.
Wendy Thompson MA is a gerontologist, caregiver consultant and coach, published author and former olympian. Wendy is available for consulting and coaching at 604275-0091.
