Human relationships are intricate and often quite messy.
When you consider all the components of relationship dynamics — roles, expectations, intentions, perceptions, attachments, assumptions, communication issues or no communication, competition, games, resistance, judgment, and all the other ego-driven ideas — it’s a wonder we manage to get along at all.
Resentment is one of the most corrosive forces within a relationship. In this article I’ll explore what resentment looks like, why it’s so destructive, and what we can do to dissolve it — if we’re truly ready to let it go. It isn’t easy. Our ego often clings to resentment as if it were a form of protection. That’s where self-awareness and mindfulness can help.
We have all been wronged by others at one point or another — sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. When the hurt is intentional, it may be driven by someone else’s unresolved pain, their desire for revenge, or a long-standing competitive tension, especially in families or among siblings.
When it’s unintentional, it’s often our own interpretation that determines whether we carry it as a wound. The moment we decide to take something personally, we enter the emotional loop of feeling victimized — perhaps even justifying retaliation — creating a cycle that can continue for years or even generations, with each side claiming, “The other started it.”
Resentment can occur in individual relationships, within families, work environments, communities, religious groups, and countries. Resentment often grows from assumptions, judgments, unmet expectations, or a sense of injustice. It might stem from feeling controlled, dismissed, betrayed, judged, or ignored. It may be the result of an unconscious act of another.
But regardless of how it begins, it exacts a heavy price. Holding resentment poisons our peace of mind. It quietly lowers our self-esteem, creates emotional distance, and disconnects us from happiness. It dulls our ability to live fully in the present and builds invisible walls between us and the people we love. Relationships strained by resentment can break beyond repair. It is heavy dark energy, and staying attached to it is exhausting.
Resentment tightens in the chest, weighs down the heart, and keeps us in a state of tension. Over time the emotional toxicity eventually becomes physical. It can affect our sleep, digestion, and immune system. There’s an old saying: “Holding resentment is like trying to hurt our enemies by drinking poison.” Often, the person (people) we're resenting have no idea we feel this way — yet we ourselves suffer the emotional and physical toll of holding on to it.
What can we do when we feel trapped by resentment? First, we need to recognize that we always have a choice in how we respond emotionally — even if it doesn’t feel like it in the heat of the moment. If I notice resentment festering in my thoughts and I’m ready to clear it out, here’s the hard (but freeing) work I do:
I ask myself:
- Am I taking it personally and assuming someone meant to hurt, offend, control, belittle me, etc.? Is this really about me — or am I making it about me?
- Could I have hurt or offended them without realizing it, and are they retaliating?
- Can I see this from their point of view and take responsibility for my own role (intentional or not)?
- Is my reaction actually tied to something deeper — an old wound, a belief that I’m not good enough, or a fear of betrayal etc.?
Oddly enough, acknowledging our role in any dynamic is surprisingly empowering. It gives us the ability to see more clearly, stop blaming, and move toward healing. The key to dissolving resentment lies in honest self-inquiry. We must be willing to look at the uncomfortable parts of ourselves: the need to be right, the addiction to victimhood, the hunger for competition or control. This work requires humility, courage and a sincere desire for peace — not power.
If you’re on the receiving end of resentment — especially if you feel it’s undeserved — don’t rush to defend yourself. Instead, try to resist the urge to escalate the conflict.
Sometimes we hold onto resentment because it gives us a role or is part of our identity: the wronged party, the victim, the righteous one... But staying in that role drains us and can lead to bitterness. Life is too short to let resentment and bitterness rob us of living in the present moment with a peaceful heart, gratitude and joy (as resentment is an energy focused on the past).
Unchecked resentment hardens into bitterness, and bitterness is one of the surest ways to lose joy, connection, and vitality. Life is too short to carry that weight. If we want to live fully — with gratitude, peace, and an open heart — we must release our emotional baggage and burdens.
Approach the situation with curiosity and compassion, which are characteristics of emotional strength — not weakness. For example, asking ourselves: “What is really going on here?” In most cases, an open and respectful conversation (perhaps with the help of a counsellor) can clear the fog. Misunderstandings and assumptions can be addressed, old wounds aired, and forgiveness invited into the relationship. But the healing can’t happen until we choose to let go. We can’t move forward while dragging the weight of the past behind us.
One of my favourite lines from Richard Carlson’s Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff is: “Thinking of someone (with whom we struggle) with love each day helps keep our resentment away.”
Claire Nielsen is a health coach, author, public speaker and founder of www.elixirforlife.ca. The information provided in the above article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional health and medical advice. Please consult a doctor, health-care provider or mental health practitioner if you're seeking medical advice, diagnoses and/or treatment.
