Sit down, children, you're about to get a lesson in some stuff I just made up five minutes ago. It's important, and yes, there will be a quiz at the end, so pay attention, or Krampus will eat your feet.
It's Christmas time again, that magical time when Frosty the Snowman rises from his prison in Niflheim and fights another of his endless series of battles with Santa Claus for control of the season.
Now, all children know that in the beginning, there were two lands, one of fire, called Muspelheim, and one of ice, called Niflheim.
When the two realms met in the emptiness between them, the spark of life was created, and a jolly fat man popped into being.
Santa was the first of the many beings to inhabit the early universe in the dawn before history. As the world formed out of cooling lava, Santa skipped about on its surface with his friends, the Easter Bunny (fathered by the marriage of a giant threeheaded rabbit and a monstrous chocolate pigeon), the Tooth Fairy (she who lurks in her palace of teeth, waiting until she has enough enamel to build a pearly-white automaton that will eat the moon) and the Tyrannosaur of Debt Forgiveness (whose annual holiday has been suppressed by a secret cabal of bankers).
Eventually, the world cooled, and Santa, blubbery of body, found himself well suited to northern climes, where he lived happily in a seven-storey igloo palace, spending his days hunting polar bears and bringing them down with his mighty claws.
Unfortunately, it was at the opposite end of the cooling world that Santa's nemesis would appear.
Frosty the Snowman was crafted by a band of mad albino penguins who desired to conquer the world.
The red-eyed cultists pushed together thousands of tonnes of snow into the crude shape of a humanoid.
With its laser-emitting eyes of ice, its shouldermounted surface-to-surface missile launchers and its opposable thumbs, the penguins hoped it would crush their enemies, especially people who think they live at the North Pole!
However, Frosty rebelled, and ignored the penguins' pleas for him to attack and destroy poorly made nature dioramas.
Instead, he decided to blot out the sun, which he blamed (correctly) for his sudden weight loss every summer. He was also highly sensitive about his inability to tan.
Santa was not about to have the sun extinguished, as he had just made friends with it, and they had already arranged to play paintball together later that week.
So Santa went to war against Frosty.
First he fashioned a crude sleigh out of frozen narwhal meat.
Next he snatched up eight reindeer, lashed them to the sleigh and roared so loudly that the reindeer learned to fly out of sheer terror.
Finally, he commanded his legions from Elfheim to his aid.
Those terrifying elves, with their teeth filed to points and their glaring red eyes, put the spurs to their giant vampire bat mounts and rose into the sky to join Santa.
The battle raged through the darkest day of the year, but in the end, Frosty fell. He was banished to Niflheim, land of fogs and cold, but every year he tries to return and Santa has to rouse himself to defeat the monster again.
1) How many robots are in Frosty's army?
2) What is Santa's battle cry as he launches his Tomahawk missiles?
3) What is Frosty's favourite movie? (Hint: he's on Team Edward.)