It's that time of the year again, the time when reporters look back on the 2013 that was, and try to make predictions about the 2014 that's yet to show its true nature.
We do this not because we are prone to introspection and seek to take stock of our place in the universe, but because nothing much else is going on at this time of the year. Seriously, would it kill the politicians in Ottawa to arrange one more scandal between Christmas and New Year's? In that spirit, I bring you my predictions for the coming year, broken down by month.
January: NASA will send a team of cloned Chris Hadfields into space to perform a jam-band version of Rocket Man, in an attempt to recapture the magic of Hadfield version 1.0's cover of Space Oddity. It'll do okay on the charts, but will be bumped from the top 10 by the sound of Justin Bieber falling down a flight of stairs.
February: It'll be cold, except when it's unseasonably warm. People will greet Valentine's Day in the traditional manner: by complaining that it's a cheap, commercialized, artificial holiday, and that no one got them anything.
March: Mike Duffy will escape Ottawa in a giant helium balloon in the shape of Mike Duffy. The month will come in like a lion, which will then eat the lamb, which will in turn
give the lion a severe case of stomach cramps that requires a visit to the large animal veterinarian.. April: The Tea Party will reveal that the preceding five years of political obstructionism was a colossal April Fool's Day prank started by a group of hipsters from Portland. They will be stoned to death by Republicans and Democrats alike. "This is ironic," they will say, incorrectly, as the stones knock them off their fixed-gear bicycles.. May: Nothing much happens except for the takeover of much of Eastern Europe by an army of intelligent genetically engineered chickens.
June: Rob Ford says the 7,943rd outrageous thing since his election as mayor of Toronto. Late night talk show hosts just shrug. "I don't know," says Jimmy Kimmel. "Are there any jokes left to make here? Are we dehumanizing ourselves by mocking a man's public self-destruction? What does this mean for the state of western democracy?" Kimmel walks off the stage mid-show and never returns; he is found months later meditating at a Buddhist retreat in the Tien Shan mountains.
July: Workers at McDonald's, Wal-Mart and a host of other low-wage employers win sizeable pay raises and decent benefits packages after a series of strikes. It will turn out that paying people a living wage is actually good for the economy. Wal-Mart's CEO will attend a press conference, hands tucked in pockets, and stare at his feet. "Well, I suppose I was wrong all those years," he'll say.
August: Nothing much. The chickens seize Germany, France, and northern Italy.
September: Television executives announce their newest fall reality show, Rednecks Punch Each Other While Bidding on Storage Lockers on a Desert Island. "The originality of the concept is why we picked it up," says a studio exec, openly rolling his eyes. "Shut up, you know you're going to PVR it.". October: Justin Trudeau is revealed as a large, elaborate marionette operated by intelligent mice. People will still find it more charismatic than Stephen Harper.. November: The chickens get bored and head into space to the join the Hadfield clones.
December: The end of the year brings a new crop of retrospective columns, not nearly enough of which will mention the chicken thing.
Matthew Claxton is a reporter at the Langley Advance.
