There’s no question that in retirement you’ll see more of your partner — a lot more.
Of course that will depend on whether or not you both retire at the same time, or if one of you is still working. In my case, hubby Harvey is still working.
Sure, you love your spouse (most of the time), but let’s do the math. Chances are, for most of your married life at least one of you has worked outside the home. That takes up anywhere from seven to 14, or more, hours a day. Subtract sleep, travel to work time and other away time and in reality you see your spouse for probably six hours a day. When you retire, that figure can easily double, or triple.
Extended togetherness can cause even the happiest couples to fight. Add in projects you’re both working on, and you get to see the real person you married. One of you may be a very Type A personality and like to do everything perfectly. The other might be like Oscar from The Odd Couple — sloppy and messy. This could get on your nerves and drive you both crazy.
Which brings me to the topic of division of labour. When you retire, you and your spouse may need a relationship adjustment. Think of it like a chiropractic treatment for your marriage. Responsibility for household tasks may get turned topsy-turvy, and one or both of you could feel frustrated. Household jobs may need to be shared differently now.
Compromise will be the new normal. So will bargaining: “Okay you get to do laundry if I get to do the cooking.” Or “I’ll pay the bills if you organize our trips.” The balance of power could shift and jobs once considered his, might now become yours. Or vice versa. No matter what you decide, open and honest communication is key. Redefining your roles in your relationship might be a pleasantly organic process for some. For others, it could herald World War Three.
Bottom line is, people need to feel needed and useful. And if it means exchanging or sacrificing your long-held roles to get there, so be it. One or both spouses may need to seek out different avenues to feel useful. Personally, I decided to find a new way to pull my weight around our place — cooking. From water burner to bread baker in 60 seconds. Harvey is very nervous. He’ll get used to it.
The point is, retirement is much more than a financial journey. It’s very much an emotional excursion… minus the tour guide. So plan, plan, plan beforehand. And enjoy the trip.
Shelley Civkin is a retired communications officer with the Richmond Public Library
