We all seek to be understood, but sometimes we can be so intent on expressing our own points of view that we stop listening ourselves.
Last weekend, as part of the last module in a medical leadership course, I participated in a profound exercise with three other family physicians. We took turns telling a brief story about a time when we were in conflict.
The three others took on the roles of listeners. One was to listen for facts, the second for feelings and the third for values. At the end of the story, each of the listeners reported back what they had heard from their assigned perspectives.
Listening to the facts seemed easy enough. After all, we do this every day in the clinic.
Listening for feelings also came quite naturally. In an empathy course I took in my first year of medical school, I learned the power of accurately reflecting back a person's feelings. To feel understood can be the first step towards the relief of suffering.
Though the facts of the story are clearly explicit, feelings may not be. We may talk specifically about feelings, but sometimes they are better reflected in tone of voice and expressions.
Sometimes as listeners we have to be tentative in our reflections of emotion. We may not have it right; we may project on the other our own emotions or how we might have responded to the same situation. Yet we are open to correction and better understanding.
The third mode of listening - attending to the other's values - was the most profound aspect. These values might include your core beliefs about yourself, the world and others; what you care deeply about, how you find meaning, and what a situation represents to you.
Most of this is implicit. We have to read between the lines and listen behind the words we here. Rather than offering a definitive statement, the values listener may instead ask deeper questions to get at the core values.
To accurately understand another's values and reflect them back is the most powerful way of listening. It brings both listener and speaker to a deeper level of relating and transforms everyday listening to deep listening.
Dr. Davidicus Wong is a physician and writer. You can find his posts at davidicuswong.wordpress.com.
