It’s the Victoria Day long weekend. Seems an appropriate time for a Victoria current events quiz. Multiple choice. No wrong answers.
• Having shut the beloved Old Town exhibit in the Royal B.C. Museum (because nothing is more offensive than an old-timey railway station where children eagerly wait for the steam engine to roll by), the provincial government suddenly announced it will replace the entire 54-year-old institution at a cost of $789 million.
Your reaction is:
A) The legislature is 124 years old. Can we tear it down instead?
B) We spent three decades in a political tug-of-war before building Victoria’s $775-million sewage-treatment system, yet they blindside us with a $789-million museum we didn’t know we wanted?
C) Does this mean we can stop moaning about Clover Point now?
D) No big deal. I just paid $790 million for a three-bedroom rancher in Gordon Head.
• The museum project will take eight years to complete. Your reaction is:
A) The Canadian Pacific Railway was built in just over four.
B) What a coincidence. Eight years is how long I have been without a doctor.
C) Makes the Johnson Street Bridge look like a pop-up store.
D) No big deal. It’s not as though tourism is important to our economy.
• The benchmark price for a single-family home in Greater Victoria was $1.18 million in April, up from $903,600 a year earlier. For $1.18 million you could buy:
A) A waterfront home on 2 1/2 acres in Port Hardy
B) The most expensive house for sale in Saint John, N.B.
C) Three single-family houses in Quebec City
D) Three heads of lettuce in Victoria
• For what it costs to rent a four-bedroom home in Calgary, you could afford:
A) A three-bedroom house in Sooke
B) A two-bedroom condo in Saanich
C) A one-bedroom basement suite in Victoria
D) A visitor’s pass to Oak Bay
• The odd horn-honker can still be seen in front of the legislature, waving the Canadian flag to protest against whatever the hell it is they’re still protesting. What are the chances that by Canada Day the maple leaf will be:
A) displayed only as a symbol of national pride
B) not hijacked and wielded as a political weapon
C) not seen as a warning sign (a red flag, as it were) of potential crackpottery
D) worn as a mini-dress by drunken teenage girls barfing on the Captain Cook statue at the Inner Harbour’s Canada Day Celebration/Fête du Régurgitation, just like in the old days
• Oops, the Captain Cook statue was torn down by a self-righteous mob last Canada Day. It will be replaced by:
A) Mr. Floatie
B) a $400,000 outdoor toilet like the one on Broughton Street
C) the woolly mammoth from the museum
D) the Sir John A. Macdonald statue torn down by Victoria city council in 2018
• Speaking of drunken teenage girls barfing downtown, roving gangs of feral youth are behaving badly in the city’s core. This tends to tar all young people with the same brush. Older people see them and think:
A) No wonder Victoria has the lowest birth rate in Canada
B) I haven’t seen so many drunken kids since I was a kid
C) Well, at least they’re not playing pickleball
D) If they’re not up to no good, why are they so young?
• A 64-kilometre Russian military convoy was prevented from reaching Kyiv by:
A) Fierce Ukrainian resistance
B) Skillfully deployed drones
C) The ineptitude of Putin’s generals
D) Victoria traffic planners
• Last week, gasoline cost you:
A) $2.32.9 a litre in Victoria
B) $2.48.9 on Pender Island (20 per cent down, easy monthly payments on approved credit)
C) a punch in the nose after you bragged about your electric vehicle
D) any hope of vacationing beyond Ladysmith this summer
• How cold has this Mayvember been?
A) Our horse-drawn carriages are sleighs.
B) Pickleball controversies out, pond hockey controversies in.
C) Ottawa was 22 degrees warmer than Victoria last Saturday. For real.
D) The Victoria Day Parade marshal is Santa Claus
• As is befitting the city with the lowest birth rate in Canada, Victoria has a labour shortage. You can tell this because:
A) You boarded the ferry as a walk-on, but left as first mate.
B) What’s the difference between a unicorn and restaurant staff? You have a chance of finding a unicorn.
C) The difference between the eternal flame and a hospital nurse? The flame doesn’t burn out.
D) Sorry, the last line of today’s column is missing due to a lack of staff.