How do you define discipline? Enforcing a punishment to correct misbehaviour? Teaching right from wrong with the use of consequences?
Training someone to follow rules, make safe choices, and respect others?
Instruction given to a disciple? They are all technically correct. The
common element in all these definitions of discipline is that it is a lesson used to help someone learn what is appropriate and what is not.
Discipline and punishment are not synonymous. The lesson, not the punishment, is the discipline.
Please note: my definition of punishment in this article refers to consequences like grounding and loss of privileges, not corporal or physical punishment. Corporal and physical punishment are neither necessary nor effective.
Many people believe that the consequences to misbehaviour need to be harsh in order to cement the lesson and prevent a repeat of the misbehaviour. The problem with a strictly punitive method of teaching lessons is that the punishment becomes the focus. Instead of learning to make better choices, the child learns how to avoid the punishment.
I'm not suggesting that a parent should ignore all misbehaviour. It is the role of a parent to discipline, and consequences are definitely an important part of some les-sons; however, the punishment needs to fit the crime. Appropriately responding to the underlying cause of misbehaviour is where most people make their mistakes when using punishment for discipline.
For example, yelling at a child because she is shouting at her little brother is a punishment that is teaching the exact opposite to what is desired. Instead, figure out what your daughter is yelling about, explain that yelling is not an appropriate way to get what she wants, then teach her a more effective way to achieve her desired outcome.
If a teen spray paints public property it's probably most effective to make his punishment doing the hard labour to remove the paint. This way he fully understands how much his choice impacts others. Taking away his phone for a week doesn't really teach him anything about why it's disrespectful to vandalize.
If a child is misbehaving because he is hungry, sending him to his room without dinner is a punishment that completely misses the opportunity for the discipline. The lesson should be, eat and you won't get cranky and difficult.
A more appropriate teaching method in the case of an unruly hungry child would be positive reinforcement. So, a parent can say something like, "You're getting cranky and making bad choices because you're hungry.
Eat. When you finish, we will play outside."
The child will learn that her behaviour was unacceptable. She will learn self-awareness about why she was acting that way and what she can do to fix it.
Then she is reinforced with something fun afterwards, which will cement the lesson in her mind. No punishment necessary.
If a child has made a mistake because he simply did not know the rule or has never been in that particular situation before, a punishment is not necessary. Simply educate the child why something like putting a jerry can of gasoline next to the campfire is extremely dangerous.
If he did it out of ignorance, it is sufficient to inform him. If he does it again after being informed, then a consequence would be necessary. Perhaps having to sit out of a fun activity.
Why would a child purposely defy you when he knows better? Was he seeking attention? Was he mad about unfair treatment and being defiant out of spite for vengeance? Once you figure out the root problem, address that and the misbehaviour will decrease.
Another example is if your child is acting up because she's anxious.
Pushing her to do something by herself by threatening a punishment if she doesn't do it will likely escalate the misbehaviour.
Giving an anxious child a time-out will also often cause her to take the tantrum up a notch because isolation provokes the anxiety that caused the problem behaviour in the first place.
The best way to discipline an anxious child is with training instead of consequences. Practice the activities that make her anxious ahead of time until she feels more comfortable. Visit places with her prior to sending her there on her own.
Discuss what the new environment or activity will be like so she knows what to expect and can be prepared.
Instill assertiveness, confidence, and coping strategies so she can face situations outside of her comfort zone with more skill.
Finally, if a teenager is completely disregarding all family rules, punishment likely has no impact because there probably isn't a punishment harsh enough for them to care.
You can take away all their things and they'll just steal them back; you can ground them and they'll just sneak out; you can threaten to kick them out of the house and they'll just leave.
Expulsion from school, juvenile detention, estrangement from their family - nothing seems to motivate them to behave better. Why?
In some cases, the reason someone misbehaves with such disregard for themselves or others is because they don't feel worthy or like they belong.
There are a lot of reasons why a teen might feel disenfranchised, and it's not always because they don't have a supportive family. In cases like this, the teen and family need to work on connecting, communicating, and understanding each other.
It will likely require professional intervention.
To summarize, discipline is a lesson and doesn't always require a punishment. If a child can learn the lesson without being punished, that's good. There is no need to be punitive if the child understands and won't do it again.
Danielle Aldcorn BSW, MA is a registered clinical counsellor at the Satori Integrative Health Centre.
