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'Crime! I'll show you real crime!'

I was perusing (I peruse more often than you might think) some of the federal government's new crime legislation this week.

I was perusing (I peruse more often than you might think) some of the federal government's new crime legislation this week.

The government is hauling a nine-part anti-crime bill into the House of Commons this fall, covering young offenders, house arrest, sex crimes, pardons, victim rights, terrorism and human trafficking.

You'd think this would cover everything. I mean, previous governments have already ruled things like arson, murder and dwarf tossing illegal.

But no, the government is already saying that there is more to come. More crimes will be crushed, more crooks punished!

Well, I certainly hope they'll be expanding the scope of the justice system to a few of my pet peeves. If you agree with me, cut out this column and mail it to your MP, as encouragement to add these items to the next crime bill!

- Eating grapes in the supermarket

Oh, the horror. These scofflaws steal grapes one by one, twisting each spheroid off its assigned stem, and concealing the evidence in their mouth.

This theft likely costs grocery stores everywhere in the tens, maybe the dozens of dollars every year!

Recommended sentence: Perpetrator is placed in the depths of Tartarus with delicious grapes hanging just out of reach. Also, $50 grape replacement fine.

- Seagull impersonation

Everyone loves seagulls, right? Their mellifluous calls, their beautiful plumage, their dainty eating habits and shy demeanor.

Unfortunately, this has led to many people impersonating gulls in recent years. If you see a row of three gulls sitting on a rooftop, it's likely at least one of them is actually a human, squeezed into a tiny feather suit and wearing a wooden beak. It's embarrassing for the gulls and the humans.

Recommended sentence: Up to 50 lashes with a feather duster.

- Car replacement

This one is personal for me because it's happened to me at least five times in the last year. Car thieves have become so cunning that when they take a car, they leave a perfect replica behind to fool the owner. Although made of papier maché, white glue and spun sugar, the replacements are quite convincing, and will actually run.

Recommended sentence: While the thieves sleep, take all the furniture in their homes, replace it with origami paper replicas.

- Bear tickling

The latest hipster fad, sure to be denounced by PETA, is to head into the woods or suburbs, find a bear and tickle it unmercifully. This evil pastime allows the perpetrator to enjoy the laughter of bears, one of the sweetest sounds known to man (after the cries of seagulls). Worse, as we all know, bears have no means of defending themselves against humans since the Foam Rubber Claws and Teeth bill of 2003 came into effect.

Recommended sentence: Perp is tossed naked into a giant burlap sack filled with feathers, then shaken by a giant paint mixer. Each violation means 20 minutes in the Tickletronic 9000.

- Dadaist or surrealist humour

Too many writers these days employ twisted logic, self-referential meta-narratives and just plain weird crap when trying to make people laugh. It tends to be caused by looming deadlines, but that is no excuse. It must stop now!

Recommended sentence: Death.

Matthew Claxton is a reporter at the Langley Advance.