Let’s talk about relationships — again.
Recently, I have been thinking over and over about ways to cope with caregiver stress. It seems like words “self-care” and “caregiver burnout” are becoming clichés. People hear them, try to follow tips; but it is not as simple as it may seem.
Inevitably, there are moments where caregivers feel doubt, guilt, and burnout despite all their efforts.
In my work with clients I follow the “as within so without” principle. This means that our inner world influences what happens on the outside. And, in situations with caregivers, relationships and family beliefs play an important role.
The more complicated the relationship is, the more likely both parties will experience difficult emotions on a regular basis. Caregiver fatigue is more pronounced and there are more demands and complaints.
On the other hand, if there is mutual understanding and respect, care becomes a natural and collaborative process.
Relationships can influence care decisions in the most powerful ways. I have seen the same care situation interpreted very differently by families with different relationship patterns.
For example, the way caregivers process complaints is often colored by their relationship to the elderly. Some may ignore it saying “she always does this,” others will overreact because they are driven by guilt; and some will be able to stay objective.
The better the relationship, the greater the chance the caregiver will stay objective and make the right decision.
In addition, caregivers with positive relationships to their senior are more likely to feel appreciated, which can be a powerful protection against burnout.
It is not to say that a positive relationship is the answer to all. Sometimes people will still burn out and have conflicts. However, a good relationship can be a protective factor in this difficult journey.
How to work on the relationship, you may ask.
It is not always possible to work on the relationship together. You cannot be responsible for your loved one’s emotions. But you can be responsible for your own. Draw a family map, collect stories, observe your feelings and thoughts and trace them to the past — all these are steps you can take to understand yourself, your loved one, and your family.
Take the first step, and you may notice that you start seeing your loved one in a different light.
Karyna Matsyuk , MC,RCC,LPN – family counsellor specializing in working with elderly and their families.
