A big part of my work with families is helping feel connected. Attachment and family bonds can make or break you. Connections are especially important when people age and life transitions happen. Family relationship is an important protective factor when it comes to difficult times such as aging, illness, and end of life.
So, I want to talk about how to communicate with your aging loved ones. We often assume we know how to communicate and think we can’t possibly learn anything new. What can be new about talking to a person I have known my entire life – you may think. The answer is lots. Communication cannot be naturally perfect. It never is. Communication and family connections involve hard work, knowledge and skill. Communicating with your elderly has its own nuances, just like business communication, or communication with your spouse. Here are some suggestions on how to work on your connections with your aging loved ones.
Listen to their stories. I said this once, and I will say it again. Storytelling is a gift – accept it with gratitude. When everything else is gone, storytelling may be the only bridge your loved one has to their identity as they knew it. It is your choice to see their stories as repetitive and boring, or see them as walking a sacred bridge to the past together.
Express interest in their physical health. This may not be the hottest topic for you, but it sure is for your aging loved one. When people face multiple losses of abilities, their world becomes smaller. Physical health is big on their list because they can’t help but notice it. You may not notice how your hips are doing today, but your elders will – pain will let them know. So, if you want to connect – you need to accept this part of their life.
Make your visits count. Take care of yourself so you are in your best mood when you visit. It is better to skip a visit than deny your own needs. If you know physics, you know that a bad mood (like energy) does not disappear, it just takes another form. And it often comes out on a vulnerable, unsuspecting person. So, protect your loved ones from your bad mood.
Be aware of your aging loved one’s limitations. Poor eyesight, decreased hearing, and cognitive decline can make the simplest activities challenging. Learn to read signs of fatigue and frustration. Grumpiness, being picky or agitated can indicate unmet needs. Make sure you learn to read signs of fatigue and frustration and provide the necessary rest or change of environment.
Lastly, remember your connection with your loved one will never disappear. Even if one of you is not around anymore, relationships live forever. And they are worth investing in.
Karyna Matsyuk is a registered clinical counsellor and a licensed practical nurse. She specializes in helping families of all ages and stages to overcome life’s challenges.Her website is www.caretoconnect.ca
