People often ask me, "Matthew, what is the best exotic pet, and where can I get one?" Yes, maybe I prompt them extensively, or even slip them $5 just for asking, but it is a good question, and one I enjoy answering.
Obviously, you don't want to get a baby macaque in a shearling coat. For one thing, everyone has one of those these days.
On my drive home last week, I passed two vans and a former fruit stand, all selling rhesus monkeys, mandrills, squirrel monkeys, and howler monkeys. Most of them were wearing cheap nylon jackets, too.
Nor do you want to pick up a poisonous snake (bitey) a constrictor (strangley) a large predatory cat (bitey again) or a member of the crocodile family (spin you underwater and hide your carcass under a log until you rot-y).
Instead, you should get a time machine. It's not hard, just make a note in your diary that today is the day you want your future self to turn up with your new pet. Remember to have gas money for your future self; time machines are not that fuel efficient, even after the passage of the Chronocatalytic Converter Act of 2034.
With all of time and space to sort through, I do have some special advice for an exotic pet owner.
? Velociraptors. Yes, everyone has seen Jurassic Park. No, that is not what you will get if you fill out an order form for a raptor.
First, real velocirap-tors are about the size of a smallish coyote. (There is a long and boring explanation about why the ones in the movie were so big, but according to some pesky court order, I am no longer allowed to ramble on about why this is so.)
Second, do not under any circumstances go to one of the cut-price raptor breeders. Some of them will pull out all the feathers to simulate a "Spielbergian" look. Their animals are also terribly inbred, and are prone to colour blindness, gum disease, hip dysplasia, sickle claw grot, and disem-boweling their owners.
Better to get one yourself, from the late Cretaceous. Remember, if you can catch a wild raptor with your bare hands, without losing your face to a single claw swipe, it's yours to keep.
? Big birds. If an aviary is more your style, try an argentavis. The largest bird ever, it had a 23-foot wingspan, and will certainly reduce the noise from your rural neighbours' sheep and cattle once you start letting your pet out for daily flights. Or if you have a pool, about 34 million years ago, there was a penguin species that hit 6'6" tall. If you can teach it to balance a ball on its nose, you've got a possible NBA player.
(There is no rule in the NBA that says a penguin can't join a team.)
? Giant sloth. A favourite for those who enjoy taking their animals for leisurely walks. Really leisurely.
Really, pack a book and a camp stool.
In addition, remember that sloths like to dig a sort of latrine and defecate in the same place every day, so you may want to go with the deep pile shag carpet if you're going to have an "inside sloth."
? Megalodon. For someone with a good-sized aquarium, the largest shark ever known. Existed up to 1.5 million years ago, at which point nature freaked out and realized it had created a 50'-60' giant killing machine, and promptly snuffed it out.
? Some random egg. Any time between 220 to 66 million years ago, you can find nests full of eggs. What's inside? Finding out will be half the fun! Will it be a tiny, endearing sau-ropod that will grow four storeys tall and crush half your neighbourhood with swings of its tail, or a ravenous carnivore with teeth like daggers?
Either way, you'll have hours of excitement, possibly ending abruptly.
Matthew Claxton writes for the Langley Advance.
