The cardinal rule is: Don’t fight when you’re tired or hungry. I guess that means I’m never fighting. Because I’m always hungry.
I recently attended a talk about forgiveness, which presumes bad behaviour on the part of one or both parties. And likely an argument. The forgiveness part could fill several articles, so I just want to address the arguing part. I’ve been doing some reading on the subject, and the news is good. There are concrete things couples can do to avoid emotionally destructive arguments.
Here’s what the experts have to say about arguing constructively:
1) Stick to the facts and don’t bring up old baggage. Corral your discussion to the current issue at hand. Bringing up old grudges won’t help your case.
2) After one person talks, paraphrase what the other person just said, so that it’s clear you’ve actually been listening. Too many people keep quiet and appear to be listening, when all they’re really doing is formulating a rebuttal.
3) Try whispering instead of raising your voice. Apparently, it has a calming effect, and diffuses anger. And don’t interrupt.
4) Give specific examples of the words and behaviour that upset you. Generalizations only lead to confusion, not resolution.
5) If you feel yourself losing control and think your anger is about to spew out of you like verbal vomit, take a break. Do some deep breathing, or walk around the block.
6) Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example: “I feel unloved when you do such-and-such” sounds better than “You’d rather spend time with your buddies than me.” Accusations hurt.
7) Avoid words like “always” or “never.” Nothing is black and white. Except nuns and penguins.
8) Consider why you’re angry - do you feel taken for granted? Underappreciated? Misunderstood? Unpack your feelings before you engage in an argument.
9) Timing is everything. Avoid arguing right before going to bed, or right before work. Some experts even suggest making an appointment to discuss an issue you’re angry about. This forces both parties to think about what they want to say, and hopefully say it constructively.
10) Seek a resolution or at least a compromise. Remember, it’s not about winners or losers. That’s for kids. You know the saying: “Would you rather be right or happy”? Always choose happy.
11) Don’t hold on to your anger for days, weeks or years. You don’t get anywhere moving backwards.
All good tips. Now if I can just take these experts’ advice the next time I have an argument…
As for forgiveness, I’m still working on that. Stay tuned.
Shelley Civkin, the retired “face of Richmond,” was a Librarian & Communications Officer at Richmond Public Library for nearly 30 years, and author of a weekly book review column for 17 years.
