How your parents tell their stories shapes your family’s shared narrative. They imprint core beliefs about life and human nature, and they contribute to your personal life story - how you come to see the world and yourself in it.
We can inherit prejudices and resentments from our parents and grandparents. We can assume a lineage of disempowerment and resignation. On the other hand, we can adopt the values of integrity, perseverance and charity.
By reflecting on these stories – our parents and our own, we can uncover deeply held beliefs that from a broader perspective no longer fit or serve us well. Conversely, recognizing our deepest connections, resilience and values can empower us to be agents of positive change in our own lives and in our world.
What are your parents’ stories and how do they influence your telling of your own life story?
My dad was born on Vancouver Island in Cumberland, near Courtenay and Comox. When Cumberland had a coalmine, it was one of the largest Chinatowns on the West Coast.
My dad lost his father in early childhood. His mother was left with six children to raise on her own. But my grandmother’s life was difficult from the start. She was sold at age nine to a wealthy Chinese family. She worked throughout her childhood and was not taught English. She was married and had her first child at age 14. But my dad remembers her as being very good with her hands, a skilled chef and seamstress. She managed to make ends meet and raise each of her children to be independent.
My dad worked throughout his childhood to support his family, finished school, studied auto mechanics and worked at Vancouver Motors downtown. He saved enough to study science at UBC and dentistry at McGill. When he talks about his childhood, he never complains about the prejudice he endured or the hardship his family suffered. He talks about wonderful life experiences, his lifelong friends and the kindness of so many people along the way.
My mom was born in the Strathcona neighbourhood of Vancouver. When my mom was nine years old, she and her seven siblings were orphaned. Her oldest sisters were teenagers and her youngest brother was still in diapers. They received no help from their aunts and uncles in town. To keep the family together, the oldest sisters decided that they would all work to raise the rest of the family until the youngest finished school. My mom always taught me the value of a good family in which each is responsible for one another, and eight decades later, my surviving aunts, uncles and cousins continue to meet at our annual Boxing Day party.
My parents’ stories could have been told with sadness or bitterness but instead, they are stories of courage, resilience, gratitude and love.
My mother’s love for me was unconditional. She saw the best and expected the best of me. At first, I thought I had to be a top student and athlete to earn my parents’ love, but I eventually realized their love came with no conditions. I would always be loved and accepted just as I was.
My mom’s circle of concern continued to expand throughout her life. She had many friends and was involved in helping others in her United Church and community. She would go out of her way to make a positive difference in the lives of other people with not so random everyday acts of kindness.
When she died unexpectedly from a cardiac arrest 15 years ago, I was overwhelmed with grief, yet with time I realized that my mother’s greatest gift was still with me. It was her love - her compassion and kindness.
I could never give back all the love that my mom had given me, but I was already giving it out and giving it forward. She had taught me how.
I realized that what I feel towards my own children is the same love my parents gave to me, and if I teach them well, that same love will be given to others beyond my own lifetime. It is the same love I give to each of my patients whom I treat as I would want my own family treated. It is the love and good will I send to each of my readers. My parents’ legacy is love, and the legacy of love belongs to each of us.
Dr. Davidicus Wong is a family physician. His Healthwise Column appears regularly online at www.richmond-news.com/living. For more on achieving your positive potential in life, see his website at www.davidicuswong.wordpress.com
