Dear Lisi: I met a guy on the golf course last summer. He’s married and at the time, I was in a long relationship that was heading toward marriage. Or so I thought. The golf guy became a friend. There’s a lot of time to talk on a golf course, and we enjoyed each other’s company.
I started a new job in September and barely played in the fall. We saw each other a few times, but it was always a bit awkward. I didn’t think much of it.
My boyfriend and I broke up. I found out he was cheating and I ended it. I have no interest in marrying someone who already has a penchant for cheating.
And then, out of the blue, I got a text from golf guy saying “I miss you.”
I miss him too, but … what do I do?
Golf Gulf
So my answer really depends on two things: One, do you think you and golf guy could be more than friends? But more importantly, two, is golf guy still married?
If the answer to number two is yes, then you don’t respond. You’ve already stated your stand on cheaters, and you’ve been in his wife’s position with your boyfriend who you dumped as a result. You do not want to be the person who causes that break.
If the answer to number two is no, then reply back with how you feel. Do you miss his friendship? Or was there a spark between you that you both put on hold because you were both committed to others?
Go slow. Text, talk on the phone, and see how it goes. If it seems to be moving in the right direction, golf season is only two months away. Meet on the green and see where the next putt takes you.
Dear Lisi: I’m in my 60s and have a really good friend with whom I speak almost daily. We both have children in their 30s, some married, some with children of their own, some still single. All have solid careers and are thankfully happy.
Recently, my friend has started competing with me regarding our grandchildren, who are all similar in age. She talks about their milestones constantly – when they crawled, walked, first ate solid foods, etc. I’m loving being a grandmother but I’m not in the nursery. I listen when my kids tell me what the babies are doing, but I don’t commit to memory whether they walked at eight months or a year. And my kids don’t expect me to remember those details.
My friend is continuously pressing me for that information, and then comparing with her grandchildren. It’s exhausting and putting a strain on our friendship.
How do I tell her kindly that I don’t care?
Greater Granny
If you speak to this woman daily, then you clearly have a close enough relationship that you can talk to her openly about how you feel. Tell her that your friendship is your friendship, that you care about her children as you always have, and that you care about her grandchildren. But that you don’t want to compete over who becomes potty trained first.
If she takes offence, let her cool off for a few days. Then give her a call. If she still gives you the cold shoulder, say something like, “We’ve spoken on the phone every day for ages. I don’t want that to end. I love you and your family. I just don’t want to compare notes all the time.”
The next move is hers, unfortunately.
FEEDBACK regarding the woman ruminating over her past (Jan. 18):
Reader – “I totally disagree with your response. There are many things from our pasts that form who we are today, and no one really needs to know all the details.
“I think the choice should be entirely hers. She knows her husband best. If he is open-minded, then I would agree, why not tell. But if he is more conservative in his thinking, why add friction?
“It’s the same discussion regarding how many partners one has had prior to meeting one’s present partner. Present partner doesn’t need to know. Unless any health concerns are involved.”
Lisi – So, you don’t “totally” disagree because I only suggested she tell her husband. I didn’t say she had to tell him. The choice is ultimately hers. But the more you and your partner know about each other, past and present, the more intimate your relationship, the more bonded you become.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca or lisi@thestar.ca
